belief (bɪˈliːf) — n 1. a principle, proposition, idea, etc, accepted as true 2. opinion; conviction 3. religious faith 4. trust or confidence, as in a person or a person's abilities, probity, etc.
This word has been following me
around all week. It’s sniffed at the
door, followed me to work, sat on the mat and finally, somehow it’s crept
around my legs whilst my back was turned and made itself at home in front of
the fire (unlit, of course due to the clement weather). And now I’m wondering if I should give it a
basket or would that be an Analogy too far?
Belief isn’t something that I’ve
ever had much of. In myself, or in anything
really. And actually I’m still not
entirely sure I know the difference between Believing and Knowing. I suppose the Knowing is more definite and the more who Know, the deeper the Truth perhaps? I don’t know; don’t ask me.
My school reports were littered
with comments like: ‘easily distracted’
and ‘must learn to focus on the task in
hand’ (same thing?) or ‘should have
more courage in her own convictions’.
I’m not even sure I had any convictions pre-pubescently anyhow so
I don’t know how that one worked.
The thing I discovered whilst
growing up was that my belief in anything was only as strong as the belief of those
around me. After all, who was I to hold
any belief of any sort? What
qualifications or knowledge did I ever possess that gave me the right to believe
in anything anyway?
It’s a tired old cliché but I do Blame
My Parents or rather my upbringing. I’m
almost certain that had I been given an amount (any amount, I’m not greedy) of
encouragement, support, permission to believe in anything other than the
rigidity of religion, then I wouldn’t be the nervy, anxious, worrying
bumblehead you witness today. I would be
self-assured, confident and strongly convinced that I was doing precisely the
right thing at any given moment and forging my Life Path in bare feet because I
didn’t need the protection of extraneous things to impede my pace.
Sometimes I bump into her; this
confident carefree Me who believes and strides and nods purposefully and
asserts herself in all manner of definite ways.
I don’t see her face, but from the back she reminds me of the Harmony
Hairspray advert. She knows exactly what
to wear, precisely what to say without causing offence and she knows instinctively
the right road to cross in order to get to her destination. In her wake wafts the unmistakable scent of
Belief; hypnotic, beguiling; a perfume that still only others can get away with
wearing.
I can stand in the queue at
Sainsbury’s after I’ve placed all my goods on the belt, waiting for my turn to
be served and be overwhelmed with such a sense of conviction that I’ve bought the ‘wrong’
things – even though I can clearly see them written on my shopping list – that I
have a real need to flee back to the aisles and grab whatever it is that I’ve
seen on the belt of the person before me because it seems somehow ‘more right’
than the things I’ve placed there. Such
is the disbelief that I can even perform a simple function like pick the
correct foodstuffs for the weekly meals without getting it wrong.
Would it be easier to give into
the overwhelming belief that what I have is wrong and cast aside my own
nonsensical fripperies believing that mine are the purchases of an idiot? What makes me believe that the lady in front
of me has any more clue of what she’s buying than I do? These are the musings of that mad
curly-haired bint as she stands, casseroled in her own sweat and convinced she
has the items of a certified fool on the conveyor belt and that the cashier has
already got her finger on the ‘lunatic’ button under her till.
So as the worst ambassador for
any kind of Belief system, half of me believes that having the dream of seeing
a book that I’ve written in print is probably the scariest thing I’ve ever done
in my life. (Yes, even scarier than
Sainsbury’s). As Eleanor Roosevelt suggested, I have been doing something that scares me every day without even
realising it.
Okay, and what's the other half of Me up to?
It’s bashing its silly head
constantly against the same brick wall.
It knows it hurts. And yet it’s back for more. It knows it’s hard and that there’re still
bruises from the last time. And there
are internal injuries that nobody can see because it’s watched as others have
knocked it down or walked straight through without any apparent difficulty. There must be a reason this wall seems so hard
to get through. Perhaps it’s the wrong
wall… maybe it’s the wrong time… maybe it’s the wrong thing to be doing…. uncertainties
build a crazy paving to the wall itself and yet still the path is trod.
It’s persisting. It’s sticking its lardy writerly arse down every
day after proper-paid-work and pleading that the words will come. It’s brain is fizzing at night with
scenes and conversations that won’t go away until either a tablet is taken or
the words are committed to paper and it’s demanding to know what the hell ten
fingers will get up to if they’re not busied with the process of breathing life
into fictional bodies.
So there must be some small
sliver of belief somewhere deep inside that keeps me going. And it’s the setbacks and knockbacks and
rejections and blocks and crashes and burns and the bittersweet pain of seeing
the successes of others that are there to make certain that my time, when it
comes, will feel that much lovelier.
Isn’t it?