Wednesday, 21 October 2009

Dear Impressive agent.....


Dear Impressive Agent,
I’m enclosing a sample of my first novel - ‘Brilliant'.
I’m not bothering with a synopsis because the book speaks for itself. I know you probably get a lot of letters from nutters who write in green ink and it must be a relief when some real quality turns up in your slush pile.
I want to be a writer because I think it would be cool to see huge posters with my name on them on the Tube. It must be great to be paid to sit around all day and make up stories. I know that you will work hard to get me a really good deal with a reputable publisher. I’m thinking a six figure deal is probably about right. [By the way, I’m not sure I’d want to do anything like book signings but I’m sure you can get round that.]
I’ll lay my cards on the table – my book really is brilliant. That’s why I’ve called it that. You probably hear this all the time, but let’s be honest - most people can’t really string a sentence together. Including many on the best seller list! Every time I look in the bookshop I see hundreds of new novels that are clearly rubbish. I don’t have time to read them, [I’m too busy to read books], but I can just tell they’re crap. I think the authors are usually just in with the publisher or something.
To make it even easier for you to love my book, I’ve had it specially bound and designed a cover. I wouldn’t dream of doing something stupid like hiding hairs inside to check whether you’ve read it [I’ve used paperclips instead LOL!]
You’ll note that I’ve also sent this recorded delivery because I know that all agents work in huge offices and have lots of staff do things like signing for the postman. But just to make sure, I will ring tomorrow just to check you got it. I hope you like the glitter on the cover. I ran out of glue so in the end I just tipped some directly into the envelope.
I haven’t actually finished writing it yet but want to see what you think before I bother. As I said, I don’t have a lot of spare time for things like writing and reading. I’m a very busy person.
Anyway, hope you enjoy reading my book [it’s called ‘Brilliant’, did I mention that?] and I’ll come along to the offices next week to introduce myself in person.
Yours sincerely,
A. Deluded-Nutter
PS Hope you like the sparkly purple ink!

26 comments:

Geraldine Ryan said...

This really cheered me up on a cold, rainy autunm morning! I'm sure you've got a best seller on your hands, Miss Nutter!

CarolineG said...

Thank you!
Can I just apologise for that rogue 't' in Brilliant.
Flipping edits won't let me change it whatever I do! Grrrr!

CarolineG said...

Phew - sorted!

Samantha Tonge said...

Caroline, you promised you'd delete my cover letter after you'd read it. I thought you'd needed help with your subs?

That's the last time i help you out.

:):)

CarolineG said...

Sorry Sam. But I've only sent to a handful of agents [just all the ones in the Writers and Artists Yearbook]

Emily Gale said...

Hehehe, it's funny cos it's true. I'd like to add: "my children love my story, so I'm sure you will, too - I have enclosed a photograph of my children enjoying the story, please return it asap as it's my only copy".

Luisa said...

Brilliant! Just Brilliant.

CarolineG said...

Thanks Luisa and Emily. But it's deadly serious you know ;)

Gillian McDade said...

Made me laugh, Caroline, although worringly, I'm sure there's at least one agent out there who has received a similar letter (?!)

Fionnuala Kearney said...

I laughed out loud all the way through this and it is SO TIMELY for me. I've blogged today about having spent four days trying to write an 'ideal' cover letter - nothing like this though... Maybe I should just copy and paste?!

Karen said...

Brilliant! I'll make sure I DON'T do any of that - although a few years ago, when I was young and naive I did design a nice, girly cover page in WordArt to go with my first three chapters (blush.) Don't tell anyone ...

CarolineG said...

Thank you ladies!
Although it struck me earlier that what I'd like to think is the opposite of that letter hasn't got me anywhere either!

Roderic Vincent said...

Yes, at least this is attention grabbing, rather than the standard fare that turns up everyday from the likes of me: people who know and stick to the rules to the point where any individuality is obliterated. If I were an agent I'd bin the others and read this woman who dares to be different.

Middle aged empty nester hoping to validate her life by Getting Published said...

Brilliant, Miss Nutter. Should be printed and handed out to every person who utters the immortal words:
"I've often thought of writing a book but I just don't have time."

Phillipa said...

Graet letter Miss Nutter but you forgot to add the most important thing that would render the rest of your letter superfluous.

PS My name's Jordan.

Amanda Roberts said...

The whole letter is hilarious, but I particularly like the, 'It must be great to be paid to sit around all day and make up stories.' lol

I can't tell you how many times I've actually heard variations of this through the years. Some of my more oblivious friends and family STILL have no idea how much time and effort is involved in writing a novel.

Thanks for making me smile, Caroline!

Jacqueline Christodoulou said...

Excellent. I have to admit that many years ago I submitted my 'creative' CV with my three chapters - I'm sorry to say it was colour coded. Enough said.
Now where's that glitter...

CarolineG said...

How lovely to come back to all these messages, after standing in the cold watching football practice!
Thanks so much everyone.

Derek said...

You forgot to add "And no need to respond back to me for at least six months because I realise you've other more important things to do with your time."
Although come to think of it, when that happened to me I hadn't asked for it!

Great post - it certainly raised our spirits.

Caroline Rance said...

Hee hee - very good. I started reading this in trepidation in case it included anything I've actually done.

Looking back, the most embarrassing thing I did early on was to scrape the barrel for some really pathetic 'writing credits'.

Calistro said...

That's brilliant! I grinned all the way through.

Deb said...

Dear Ms. Nutter,
I was so impressed by your query letter for your latest book, Brilliant, that I have dropped all my clients in a bid to work soley on your behalf and in doing so, I am 100% sure that I can secure you a six-figure deal on the basis of an unfinished novel, because let's face it, every book on the Best Seller list is crap, including the many that I've represented. I admire your honesty that writing books is a piece of cake - you should hear some of the authors I've worked with: 'Oh, I can't possibly write 100,000 words in a fortnight, whine, whine,' (Jordan can) and 'I can't find my muse, whine, whine.' (Have you tried looking behind the sofa?)Sigh. I must say I find it all very teidious.
I find it refreshing that you haven't yet completed the ms because, when all said and done, I will only change it all anyway. In fact, why don't I just write it for you and we'll say you wrote it - that's what I did for Jordan and look at her now!
Instead of coming to the offices, why don't I whisk you off to the South of France for the weekend and I can present you with a cheque?
Sincerely
A. N. Agent

CarolineG said...

Brilliant, Deb!!!

I laughed out loud throughout that response to Ms Nutter.

Thanks everyone for your comments!

Jenzarina said...

I snorted out loud (SOL, a less lady-like version of LOL) at the glitter.

Susie Nott-Bower said...

Just got back and read this - hilarious! Though I agree with Rod - it's just such a letter that could get the book read - a kind of postmodernist submission?
Susiex

gaelikaa said...

This just rocks!