Dear Impressive agent.....
Dear Impressive Agent,
I’m enclosing a sample of my first novel - ‘Brilliant'.
I’m not bothering with a synopsis because the book speaks for itself. I know you probably get a lot of letters from nutters who write in green ink and it must be a relief when some real quality turns up in your slush pile.
I want to be a writer because I think it would be cool to see huge posters with my name on them on the Tube. It must be great to be paid to sit around all day and make up stories. I know that you will work hard to get me a really good deal with a reputable publisher. I’m thinking a six figure deal is probably about right. [By the way, I’m not sure I’d want to do anything like book signings but I’m sure you can get round that.]
I’ll lay my cards on the table – my book really is brilliant. That’s why I’ve called it that. You probably hear this all the time, but let’s be honest - most people can’t really string a sentence together. Including many on the best seller list! Every time I look in the bookshop I see hundreds of new novels that are clearly rubbish. I don’t have time to read them, [I’m too busy to read books], but I can just tell they’re crap. I think the authors are usually just in with the publisher or something.
To make it even easier for you to love my book, I’ve had it specially bound and designed a cover. I wouldn’t dream of doing something stupid like hiding hairs inside to check whether you’ve read it [I’ve used paperclips instead LOL!]
You’ll note that I’ve also sent this recorded delivery because I know that all agents work in huge offices and have lots of staff do things like signing for the postman. But just to make sure, I will ring tomorrow just to check you got it. I hope you like the glitter on the cover. I ran out of glue so in the end I just tipped some directly into the envelope.
I haven’t actually finished writing it yet but want to see what you think before I bother. As I said, I don’t have a lot of spare time for things like writing and reading. I’m a very busy person.
Anyway, hope you enjoy reading my book [it’s called ‘Brilliant’, did I mention that?] and I’ll come along to the offices next week to introduce myself in person.
PS Hope you like the sparkly purple ink!