Submissive by Roderic Vincent

They say it's a good idea to keep a log. Here's mine:

Christopher Little was non non-committal.
I believe A&B mostly go for TV.
The Marsh Agency was harsh as can be
and David Higham, to me, look exclusive: don’t try ‘em.
Heard Aitken Alexander is wary of slander
and Rupert Crew takes on very few.
From Susanna Lea, ‘It’s not right for me’ and
a slip by Diane Banks said, ‘Thanks, but no thanks.’

Rogers Coleridge & White thought my plot wasn’t tight
as did Robert Dudley: 'Your synopsis is muddly.'
Plain words Maggie Noach, ‘No unsolicited approach.’
Jonathan Clowes, ‘You’ve got talent it showes;
but I’m afraid in this market, it’s one of our nowes.’
‘Reads like pulling teeth,’ so said AM Heath.
The excuse from Simon Trewin: too full to fit yewin.
The script that I mailed has yet to come back

from the deep laden desk of Mr Scott Pack.
I don’t write for kids so I got zero joy
from the package I posted Elizabeth Roy.
From Theresa Chris, ‘We couldn’t place this.’
This office is small complained Christine Green
I could tell she didn’t want me to think she was mean.
Marianne Gunn O’Connor said my genre’s a gonner.
Those who work at Artellus want only the marvellous.

Got this from Brie Burkeman, ‘It needs too much work, man.’
Capel & Land reject out of hand
but Curtis Brown nose all about town
in search of a deal, as does Ms Elaine Steel
but, like PFD, they both passed on me.
Felicity Bryan at least thanks you for trying,
while Tibor Jones didn’t answer the phones.
AP Watt simply forgot.

Any resemblance of names to actual UK literary agents, agencies or publishers is entirely fortuitous. The above is fictional and in reality I've only sent out about half a dozen subs so far.


Bernadette said...


Rosy T said...

Completely wonderful, Rod!

Helen Black said...

Lol, Rod.
HB x

Keith Havers said...

Yeah, been there.
Sums it up brilliantly.

Gillian McDade said...

Rogers, Coleridge and White have still to answer my plight!

Lol Rod!! Fabtastic!

AlphaChick said...

Wow. This is brilliant.

New ironic cover letter for your subs perhaps? ;-)

Fionnuala said...

Hey! You've nicked my log! Brilliant Rod as always...

Debs Riccio said...

Ha ha, Rod, if only MY file/retrieve system was as good as yours!

Jacqueline Christodoulou-Ward said...

Great Rod, mirrors my submissions results!

Susie Nott-Bower said...

So, so good I laughed out loud several times. The last line is inspired. Well, all of it is really.

Roderic Vincent said...

Thank you very much.

Flowerpot said...

Loved it - well done Rod!

Geraldine Ryan said...

Rod, I am in awe of you poetic powers! Why has no one taken you on yet? Their loss not yours!

DT said...

Nice one Rod!

Your poetry rocks and you pulled out the stops
But the agents were blind and you never got signed.
I know just how you feel when you can't land a deal
Even when it's your best, but the markets depressed.
And half the time, frankly so am I!

Poppy said...

Brilliant :-)

Poppy said...

Brilliant :-)

Caroline Green said...

Very funny, Rod...and pretty darn brave, I must say!

Derek, yours was great too!

Kirsty said...

Loved this
in a masochistic OMG kind of way.

Karen said...

So clever! Looking forward to the acceptance poem :o)

Roderic Vincent said...

Thanks for the comments, everyone. Karen, you made me laugh (a hollow laugh, but a laugh, oh yes).