"Wait! Hold that Bandwagon!"

For me, self-publishing has always felt like the ‘elephant’ in my room. That's the room called Rejection’ because it's where my manuscripts which were heartily rebuffed by Literary Agents, reside. Of course ‘heartily’ is completely the wrong word to use – that’s the infamous self-flagellation talking.   I actually had some really nice rejects – no, seriously, I did.  At one point I was even on first name, chatty e-mail terms with about three Agents.  Ah, those were the days.

So what’s my point? (note: excessive naval-contemplation and digressive meanderings – this will be referenced later).  My point is that if any of my 4 self e-published novels had any proper literary merit then it stands to pretty good reason that they’d have been taken on by an agent at the time of subbing.  But they weren’t.  One of them got quite close – you know the story – the re-writes – the end changes – the re-writes – culminating in (and I nearly said ‘inevitable’ but why inevitable? Why should I be such a defeatist?) Rejection.

I can’t say that I was buoyed by the e-publishing ‘movement’ and felt that the time was right for my rejected manuscripts to land out there in the w.w.world for A.Reader, his wife and his brother to buy and perhaps enjoy.  But I can say with hand on heart that I went into self-publishing with extreme trepidation.  In fact so trepidatious was I that I changed my author name to my maiden name so that nobody who knew me ‘properly’ would know it was me.  And I kind of sloped them onto the system.  Oh, I did tell some writer friends and announce it on Facebook but that’s never felt ‘real’ to me anyway.  Anyone on my screen is (in my head) a cyborg and part of the Truman show; not the real world where there are Sainsburys, dirty dishes and dog poo.

I never  imagined that I’d get good ‘sales’ figures.  I assumed (rightly) that if I advertised any of the books FREE for a few days, that downloads would increase because everybody likes something for nothing, right?  Right.  They do – the numbers stratospherically soar when there’s £0.00 to spend.  Especially if a freebie co-incides with a weekend or Bank Holiday. And I’m not knocking that.  For me, if it’s downloaded, that means it’s on somebody’s Reading Device and for it to have got on there, buttons would have been pressed, decisions made (it’s free – the opening paragraph isn’t sh*te  therefore I’ll have it) and my words have been passed on.  I could say that really this is enough and all I ever wanted but I’d be lying.

I’ve had some reviews on the books I’ve got on Amazon.  Only 3 of them (out of a combined total of no more than 10) are from ‘proper’ readers – i.e. people I have never ‘met’ either in the flesh or through Facebook/Writing circles.  So these three are the true judges of whether my books are good or not.  To me, anyway.  I’m  not knocking the ‘others’ who are FB friends or whatever but they’re bound  not to say anything  terrible about it because – well, writers have such fragile egos don’t they? And I’d never say anything detrimental about another writer’s book I’ve read. 

 

So here (endeth the blethering and meandering, naval introspection) is what I say to you  today, dear Strictly fellows.  I have only today noticed a previously undetected icon on Amazon.co.uk which asks you if you’d like to read your reviews from Amazon.com as well… Well, I answer: that’s very nice of you, I didn’t realise there were any, yes please and thanking you most kindly.

*gulp* (that’s me reading it)

*gulp* (that’s me re-reading it.  Also *wide-eyed*)

*gulp* (yep - a third time.  Please add a broadening smile, a nod and a loosening of the shoulders)

This person is my Simon Cowell – this person – who read my book from (brilliant, witty, hopeful) beginning to (rambling, hackneyed, bitter) end has explained everything to me that I already knew but was pretending might not be (all) true.  And along with telling me how poorly executed my story is, the reviewer also added that if re-written I could have pulled it off successfully.  Hope floats.

*Perhaps they’d consider becoming my Agent?

We writers are always banging on about not taking reviews personally aren’t we?  This book was the first one I ever wrote. It was started 10 years ago,  was written during an enormous personal upheaval and should have remained as torn, tear-stained sheets of therapeutic A4 in the ring binder it started out in.

It wasn’t so much a story as a confessional memoir. It was a cathartic key to dealing with the bereavement, divorce and disillusionment I was battling with at the time and the fact that I changed the characters names did nothing to protect any parties involved.  The dead stayed dead, the divorce went through, but I was able to work out why both relationships were doomed to failure.

The fact that the book is also littered with humour and wry observations doesn’t make it any more a ‘proper’ book.  It actually just proves I deal with personal tragedy in a very Carry-On way.   (Example: I can still remember the horror on my mother’s face as I laughed like a Hyena when she told me her own mother – my beloved Nanna – had just died.  See?  Wrong.).

So, even though the reviewer didn’t know it, they actually got very personal about some very real stuff I was going through.  My main character (that’ll be Me) was a big Nellie and a wuss and handled stuff badly. That was when she wasn’t being melodramatic and contemplating her naval.  Well, this I already knew.  I just didn’t realise I was such a badly drawn fictional character.  Maybe if people had told me at the time to stop acting like a drama queen, grow some balls and get my life sorted out rather than write it to death, then I’d be in a very different place from the one I’m in now.

Anyway, what this Review has taught me:

•  Never publish anything that’s personal. It could bite you on the arse.
•  If you want impartial approval you ain’t gonna to find it in the mirror. (That’s the creative writing mirror; I’m not suggesting your lipstick’s the wrong shade or anything).
•  Stop bloody waffling, woman and get to the point (that’s the creative writing point; I’m not suggesting I digress, meander or anything… although saying that…)

I have another book (contemporary women’s fiction – romcommy, wry, no cupcakes involved) that I was dithering over pressing ‘upload’ onto Amazon because it Wasn’t Good Enough for Agents.  I even made a cover for it  and everything, but I think I’ve learned a valuable lesson and I am going to start listening to my ‘gut’ a bit more.  Like I said, it didn’t ‘feel right’ at the start but I felt left out so did it anyway – but now I’m entering a new phase of my life called Second Guessing. And it’s about bleedin’ time.

Nice cover: shame there'll be no book

Difficult Second Album Syndrome

So, regular readers of this blog will know that last year I published a book, Dark Dates. It wasn’t a good fit for my previous publisher and I struggled to find an agent, so I thought, sod it, I’ll publish myself, and see what people say. Self-publishing has been a steep learning curve: it’s way more work than you imagine going in (although I’ve also found it more rewarding than I could have imagined) but the problem with publishing something yourself is you haven’t gone through the quality control procedure of agent-publisher-editor: there’s constantly the nagging worry in the back of your mind, the little voice saying, ‘c’mon, if this was really any good someone would publish it for you’.

Some bloggers were really kind...

So when the reviews start coming in, you pay more attention than is healthy to what people say. I’ve been very lucky with Dark Dates – the reaction has been almost overwhelmingly positive. Of course, I’d like more people to have read it (it’s still incredibly difficult to get coverage for an indie book) but those who have, have tended to love it. I’ve been blown away by the feedback I’ve got – just this week I got another rave review from Indies R Us and was selected as Book of the Month at the TBR Pile, and I also made a couple of bloggers’ ‘Top 10 of 2012’ lists. It was exciting, and thrilling, and exactly what I wanted – the fact that people actually talked about my characters, had opinions about them, cared about them: this was the very thing I got into writing for.

See? Actual nice quote by person I don't know

 

Then I had to write the sequel, and suddenly The Fear struck. What if it sucked? Lots of people said the first book was funny: the second book was darker, but I thought it still had a nice streak of humour in it – but what if it wasn’t enough? I found myself scouring the text to see if I could put in jokes (I didn’t, in the end, because I find that kind of writing tiresome, but Lord, the temptation was there). There’s more sex in this one: is it too sexy? Will people still like the characters? Will they feel let down? Suddenly all I could see in my head was a stream of reviews from people saying how disappointed they were – and the fact that I connect with a load of bloggers via social media means I’d be unable to hide from their scorn. Maybe I should just leave Dark Dates alone, treat it as a success and then move onto something completely different? It’s ridiculous given that my readers probably only number into the hundreds that I was working myself into such a state – how do properly famous writers do it? No wonder George RR Martin always seems a bit grumpy.

Fingers crossed...

 

In the end, of course, it boiled down to what it always does: having faith in the writing. When it comes down to it, I love these characters, and I’d write about them even if I was the only one who got to read the stories. They’re under my skin now and they aren’t going anywhere.

I sent the book, Wolf Night, to my beta readers who all came back with great feedback – but, importantly, also with comments on what didn’t work, and what needed to be made better (it’s good to have cheerleaders, but you also need people to be honest, especially when you don’t have the safety net of an agent or editor).

And so, after a lot of agonising, the book is out there. I’m trying to tell myself not to read reviews this time around (I can still quote the bad ones from Dark Dates) but I suspect I’ll fall at the first hurdle on that one – it really does matter to me that people like it, and don’t feel I’ve let them down. But I know it’s the best I could make it, and I know I’ve been true to the characters – and that’s all I can do, I guess. Anyway, I’m off to write the sequel now…

You can follow Dark Dates at darkdates.org

 

Writing Resolutions for 2013

So, 2102 is over, 2013 is here – what are your resolutions for the coming year? In some ways, 2012 was a bumper year for me in terms of writing. I published my new novel, Dark Dates, and followed it up with a couple of digital short stories to keep the readers’ interest up, and I spent a lot of time building my fledgling consulting business. So the bulk of my resolutions would be – more of the same, but better.

But since it’s always good to have a list of goals – and some of these might help you spur on your own writing this year – here are my Writing Resolutions for 2013.

 

Remember there is never the perfect time to write: one of the biggest mistakes people make, I think, when it comes to writing is they put it off until they have ‘the time’ to do it, which is always in some mythical future. If you can’t spend the whole day writing, what’s the point? But the fact is, you’ll never have the time to do it – life will always encroach on your writing time. So snatch moments when you can. Writing half a page a day will soon add up. I found last year that if I forced myself to do ‘just one page’ or ‘just 15 minutes’, that was often the push I needed to get lots done, and it turned out to be remarkably easy to fit in around the demands of my other jobs (which are pretty bloody demanding at times). Try it in 2013 – you might be shocked by how much you can do!

The Avengers think you should be writing

 

Don’t wait for inspiration to strike: while I do believe that sometimes it’s worth thinking about something before you write it (depending how your thought processes work – I often ‘carry round’ stories in my head for a while, then write them all in a rush) there is nothing more ruinous to productivity than waiting for the ‘right moment’. Your muse is more likely to come visit if you’re already writing – and remember, if it’s rubbish, you can always rewrite it later!

Don’t get hung up on reviews: the thing that shocked me this year was how much I was bothered by reviews. I might have expected the bad ones to sting (and they did – there were occasions when I was sorely tempted to point out just how much someone had misread my books), but I was surprised to find that while I loved the good reviews, obviously, I also felt like they were putting some kind of pressure on me, and would spiral into a panic about people hating the sequel. This year I resolve to recognise my irrationality, and avoid temptation by not reading reviews. Or most of them, anyway. OK, look, that’s a work in progress… [Post script: I just went to get the link for my book from Amazon ot add to this article and found I'd got another 5 star review. So I read it. Like I said, a work in progress...!]

Reach out to bloggers and readers: one of the delightful things about this year was connecting with a whole bunch of lovely book bloggers. I was intimidated at first about approaching them – why the hell should they be interested in my little book? But most have turned out to be really nice, and I’ve made some great connections with some fantastically fun women. I’d like to do more of this in 2013.

Listen to feedback: I just sent my new book to beta readers, and while I feel ridiculously precious about it, like all writers, I do know I have to take on board feedback. I have already had a couple of things pointed out to me that I know I need to fix…

Keep going: the most important thing of all. It’s really easy to get discouraged when you’re operating in a saturated market and feel like what you’re doing is insignificant or pointless, or will never make you any money, or will always take a lot of time while yielding very little reward.  But the last year has made me realise that, above all, writing makes me happy in a way that nothing else does – and I’m thrilled to have found readers who enjoy my work and like my characters. Whatever the challenges of 2013, I don’t want to give that up.  

Buy more notebooks: because you should always set at least one resolution you know you'll keep...

A girl can never have too many notebooks...

 

On sockpuppetry

So, another day, another woeful tale of authors behaving badly, as a couple of crime writers have been unearthed as creating ‘sock puppet’ accounts to write good reviews for themselves and, even more dubiously, slag off their rivals’ books on Amazon, while apparently on an author discussion panel the writer Steven Leather cheerfully admitted to creating fake accounts to go on discussion forums to create ‘buzz’ about his books. (I must admit it took me a while to pick up on this story, as I thought the headlines on Twitter about ‘vicious sockpuppets’ were a joke, or a news item about a children’s party gone terribly awry).

Obviously – obviously – this is morally reprehensible behaviour, undermines the whole value of reviews and the honour system, etc, etc. But what boggles me about the whole thing is: where the hell do they find the time? Seriously, people: I want me some of that. I’m on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Goodreads, and 3 different blogs, as well as contributing to 3 different websites and, y’know, working for a living. I can barely keep up with all the things I have to do as myself, never mind create fake personas who have to go writing reviews on Amazon. I spend half of my life having to reset passwords: imagine the hassle of having to maintain accounts where the actual bloody name needs to be remembered, too. And thinking up new names! One of the things I hate most about writing it having to name characters (it’s no coincidence that in both of my novels there is a character with virtually the same name, just spelled differently). If I had to create fictional reviewers as well, I think I’d have a nervous breakdown.

It does make you wonder, if they applied that energy to actually writing their books, they might turn out so good that they don’t need fake reviews, or they could at least come up with more original ways to promote them. Still, disapprove as I might, part of me is impressed by all that effort. I might even give it a go. How about: “Tracey Sinclair transformed my life: this is not only a Booker-worthy effort that should be made into a movie at once, but it’s clear from the writing that the author is generous, attractive and spectacularly good in bed.” Whaddaya think? Too much?

 



Authors! Need a reviewer? Make your own!

Sock puppet kit available, ironically, from Amazon.



A writer's greatest asset? A thick skin

One thing writers get used to quickly is rejection. With the exception of the extremely lucky or the extremely well-connected, any writer’s path is strewn with rejection letters: from agents, from publishers, from magazines…  We’ve all had them, ranging from a ‘we haven’t even read this’ form dismissal to a detailed critique of everything that is wrong with what you’ve written. We console ourselves that it happens to the best of them: JK Rowling was told she’d never make a living from writing. Lord of the Flies was rejected 100 times. I know personally of one (now pretty well-established) novelist whose first book was rejected by one agency, then accepted a month later by another, by the same woman, who had moved agencies in the interim. If that doesn’t prove how arbitrary success can be, what does? But one thing that many aspiring writers don’t realise is, this doesn’t stop when you get published. In fact, if anything, these days it just gets worse.

Anyone who produces any sort of art for public consumption has to accept that they will come under scrutiny, and that not everyone will like what they do. I write for a theatre review website, and while I – and my fellow reviewers – always try to be fair, there are a decent number of scathing opinions on the site, because we all feel it’s our duty as reviewers to speak up at what we see as poor acting, sloppy writing or ill-conceived or badly executed productions. We're there for the viewers, not the makers, and besides, it’s constructive, isn't it? Yet it never feels like that when you’re on the receiving end of it.

As someone who has been writing – and having things published – on and off for the best part of 20 years, I’ve certainly had my fair share of criticism. My first novel was about a sexually transgressive affair: dark, yes, but not – I thought – without humour. Still didn’t stop one reviewer commenting that they wondered how I’d managed to write it without causing myself lasting psychological damage, or someone on Amazon dismissing it as ‘tediously trying to shock’. (Not to mention the agent who said “I really like it – can you make it 50,000 words longer?” Um, no.)

And of course now, with the internet, everyone is a critic: and not everyone takes it well. Plenty of book bloggers report tales of furious authors taking public umbrage at bad reviews (many won’t even review self-published books, arguing that this kind of behaviour is more prevalent amongst non-professional authors). Read any article on any reasonably popular website and the comments section will make you cringe: there’s a reason they say 'never read the bottom half of the internet'. The freedom of online posting also means that people can type things they wouldn’t dream of saying in person and, I hate to say it, but if you’re a woman it’s likely to be worse, because not only are you stupid/wrong/a bad writer, you’re probably fat and ugly as well. (Only last week, I had someone post a comment on an article I wrote for a sci-fi website saying they wanted to ‘smash my ovaries’, which seems a bit of an over-reaction to me questioning the validity of Hollywood making any more Iron Man movies.)

So what to do about it? The answer, as ever, is pretty much nothing. Listen to the constructive feedback: use it where you can, have the courage to ignore it if it really goes against what you believe. For everything else: unless it’s actually threatening (in which case, it’s illegal – tell the police), take it as a good sign. No writer’s appeal is universal: for everyone who loves Ian McEwan, or Stephenie Meyer, or whoever else you care to name, there will be plenty of people who can’t stand their work. Did I mention Lord of the Flies got rejected 100 times?

Envy? Dream on!

Should anybody mention online that they’re not particularly keen on Twilight, they face the prospect of die-hard fans popping up to say ‘OMG ur soooo stupid how can u hate my edward ur just jelus!!!’

I’ve noticed, however, that assumptions of literary jealousy aren’t confined to the inarticulate. They're a standard way of comforting an author who has received a bad Amazon review.

‘Ignore him,’ the author’s friends say. ‘He's obviously jealous because you're a better writer than he is.’

Whether or not they technically mean 'envious', comforting a distressed author is a nice thing to do, so I’m not going to suggest people tell their writing chums to stop whining. I don’t believe, however, that bad reviews are automatically the result of jealousy or envy. Books are commodities purchased by readers, who have no obligation to see the author as anything other than a name on the cover. It's a bit conceited to imagine they give you a second thought, let alone be so awestruck by your talent that they're seething in resentment about it.

No doubt there are some occasions when a reader has a personal grudge against a writer who once refused to help with their English homework in 1989. But the average book-lover is an intelligent individual choosing a product that they hope to enjoy, not a supervillain on a mission to destroy the mental state of the person who produced it.

The reading relationship surely isn't between the reader and the writer but between the reader and the book. Sometimes it doesn’t work out and the reader is disappointed. Maybe they feel misled by the cover or bewildered that the story doesn't live up to a friend's recommendation. Maybe they are amused at how far-fetched they found the plot, or maybe they're downright angry at having wasted their money. Expressing an opinion about this is natural, even if writers wail: 'What sort of miserable little person could put so much time and energy into writing a bad review?' Well, people are free to use their time and energy how they like – after all, you used yours writing an entire book for some reason.

If I had a disappointing meal in a restaurant, I might tell other people not to bother going there. This does not mean I was jealous of the chef and determined to crush his delicate feelings. If a recently fitted tap starts to leak, I might find this annoying - but I'm not therefore responsible for the plumber's depression and alcoholism. (Incidentally, why are plumbers the standard unit of measurement when comparing writing with other occupations?)

The difference with these situations is that one can get some money back or have the problem fixed. It's more difficult to return a book to the shop just because you didn't enjoy it. Negative reviews are perhaps a way of redressing a perceived imbalance of power and enabling the reader to get a refund on their emotional investment. This does not need to have anything to do with envy. Are we writers so awash with talent and all-round amazingness that everyone envies us? Yeah, right!

Feeling mortified and upset (in private) is a valid writerly response to a bad review. But that does not make the reviewer jealous, stupid, evil, lonely, bitter, twisted, untalented, or any of the other adjectives our well-meaning buddies might come up with.

A person just didn't like your book. That's about it, really.

To E, or not to E? Now there's a question...

Do not, dear reader, be surprised if this post contains at best shonky or no research at all into the subject matter. After all, this is me here; I don’t do much in the way of research (unless it’s to check out 21st Century Heroes and their pectoral presence of course – see ‘Holding Out for a Hero’ a couple of posts back. But I digress. Which only works if you’re Ronnie Corbett. And a National Treasure).
Anyway...focus, woman.
E-books and E-book publishing. It’s very ‘on-trend’ right now isn’t it? There’s stuff about it EVERYWHERE. Especially on-line *ahem* obviously. This blog made me nearly need to change my underwear twice whilst reading it: http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2011/02/02/why-your-self-published-book-sucks-a-bag-of-dicks/
And for the most part I kind of agree with everything it says. I know it denigrates the whole idea of e-publishing and spins such a negative on it that it’s difficult to know how an average human being could believe anything like this is worthwhile. But, bear with me, I’m trying to be impartial.
For instance I’ve never considered Self/Vanity Publishing. In fact I get very heated at the word ‘vanity’ – I think it’s a throwback from my childhood and actually, isn’t Vanity one of the Seven Deadly Sins? BUT (and this is only since I’ve begun to approach A Certain Age) I have decided to weave into my Last Will and Testament the stipulation that should I die unpublished, I want three of my books to be posthumously printed so at least my daughter can show my grand/great grandchildren one day. I’m also hoping that the adage “never speak ill of the dead” also applies to being posthumously self-published; CAN you be vain AND deceased?
{Aside… okay then, digression… just had a small ‘lol’ moment imagining my e-book review on Amazon reading something like this: “…was crap. Thank god she’s not around to write any more sh*te like this one”}
And speaking of scary reviews, I’d NEVER want to be in the position where I’d feel I had to deliver a ball-breaking response to a (not even bad) review of my e-book like this one: http://booksandpals.blogspot.com/2011/03/greek-seaman-jacqueline-howett.html
Once you start getting heated in defence there’s really no going back for some people, is there?
And this, I believe is the crux of the whole e-matter. I think it works for certain people - people with the right kind of character; the strong, the determined and the unfathomably brave.
All of which, I’m sure you’ve sussed by now, are qualities of which I have none.
I am an anxious, feeble-minded coward who needs somebody to hold her hand and kick her up the arse, whichever is the nearer. And I could no more promote any product of my own making than I could fly to the moon and back. Unless I had somebody – a Proper, Professional, Qualified somebody behind me one hundred and ninety five percent who was willing – and being paid a percentage of course – to stick their neck out for me and declare me a creative literary genius (or similar… just a Good Writer would do for now to be honest).
Of course it DOES help if you are an excellent writer. It helps if you can work happily and constructively alongside spellchecker, it helps if you’re a first-class Proofreader who can spot a typo at fifty paces, a consummate Editor who can find a plot-hole without falling into it.  And I imagine it would also help to have a couple of hundred quid as a cushion/starter block for things like cover-production, initial set-up/registration fees and soforth. (Can you tell here’s where my research falls a little flat? I don’t have precise figures and I hate maths so can I please be excused if “a couple hundred quid” is wrong in any way... I’m just hazarding. Phew, thanks).
And it must all be so very… I don’t know, stressful. Going through this whole process pretty much on your own, with the unswerving belief that what you’ve written is Good Enough to be out there… even if Agents and Publishers have already told you there is No Place for it. Half of me is in total awe of these e-authors who have flown in the face of rejection and self-pronounced  that their work is publishable, whilst the other half of me is hiding behind a cushion wishing they’d just bided their time a bit longer and given any feedback they may have had from professionals, the proper considered thought it warranted before launching their babies into the ethosphere.
So I'm on the fence.  Which is probably why I walk this way.
Oh, and during my 'research', I also found this site: http://theselfpublishingreview.wordpress.com/ where a lot of self-published/e-books are reviewed and I found myself especially drawn to the 'tags' section on the left hand side which felt rather like looking out for a car-crash, which I know is all kinds of wrong but reading these makes me feel more sure I'm doing the right thing with my game of patience.

If you'd actually bothered to read my book...

Bad reviews are every author's lot, but what is one to do upon receiving them? I mean - someone hates you! And they hate your whole family and your cute kitten whom you saved from drowning, and they hate all the charities you support, and they hope you die very soon of some horrible flesh-eating disease. Either that, or they didn't much enjoy what you wrote.

Upon receiving a bad review, there are three options:

1. Maintain a dignified silence
2. Say 'Thank you very much for taking the time to read and review my book.'
3. Make an absolute arse of yourself.

Responding to a bad review with anything other than points 1 or 2 is – in vulgar parlance – filled with fail. I cringe when I see an author going off on one at someone who happened not to fall at their feet.

So why shouldn't authors be allowed the right of reply? Why shouldn't we unleash the full force of our wit against a rude reviewer, or even politely correct someone who has made a genuine mistake?

No reason at all. You're allowed to do what you like. You have every right to launch a ballistic rant, to manifest in a negative forum discussion like a spectre at the feast, or to email the reviewer and point out why they are wrong. Having rights and exercising them are, however, different things, and there's huge potential to earn the disdain of readers who might otherwise be intrigued by your book.

Here are some sentiments I've noticed, either in author responses to reviews, or in forum threads sympathising with them:

• That jealous hater probably had their own crappy novel rejected a million times and takes it out on anyone with a modicum of talent.

• They're probably too stupid even to try to write a book, so they don't know the mortal anguish you went through to bleed every word onto that unforgiving page!

• There's a typo in line 4 of the review, so they're a 'retard' (or any other offensive terminology) who doesn't deserve an opinion.

• The idiot hasn't read your 500,000 pages of research that prove you're right to have your Roman British characters tucking in to a meal of rabbit and spuds.

• The last book they enjoyed was SF, so they obviously just don't 'get' your crime novel. How dare they read a different genre from the one they were assigned at birth?

• They shouldn't have read it in the first place if they weren't going to like it!

Then there's the passive aggressive stuff – 'If only you had had the courtesy to contact me, I could have explained this in terms simple enough for a young girl like you to understand...' Believe me, this will impress no one. Even a private communication can end up all over the web faster than you can say 'If you'd actually bothered to read page 700 of the appendix...'

The reviewer criticised your book. That's all. That's tough, and it hurts – and there's no law that says you have to be happy about it. You can sob into your pillow, or make a little doll and stick pins in it, or type up a stinging response that you never send, but if you really want someone to lick your boots, give up being an author and buy a puppy.

Keeping your dignity in the face of a bad review is not about sparing the feelings of some rude person – it's for your own good. The reviewer might genuinely be evil, they might have got completely the wrong end of the stick, they might be stupid beyond measure, they might be someone from your past who bears you a grudge - or they might be a normal, intelligent person who happens not to like your book. It's not about them. You're the one presenting your writing to the world, and if you have a go at a reviewer, you're the one guaranteed to look an utter tit.