Wednesday, 4 January 2012

Apply Within



Position:        Writer

Hours:          24 per day, 7 days per week, 52 weeks per year... you get the idea.  Yes, even whilst you sleep and shower and… other bathroom/ bedroom related activities.

Salary:            Let’s not get ahead of ourselves now.

Duties:           Mainly writing. (And predominately writing stuff that people are going to WANT to read – pay good money to read and love so much that they will tell their friends and their family and in return make money for the publishers of your book, your agent, and, somewhere along the line, maybe even you [see *salary above]).

                        Oh, you’ll also have to keep on the paid work.  The one that allows you to pick up scintillating tidbits of gossip from colleagues and turn them into workable plots and believable characters.  Because otherwise how will you pay for the fuel that keeps the keyboard and screen working? And eat. Hmm?

Qualities:       Over-active imagination from birth.  Tendency to read a lot, write a lot and make a lot of stuff up – whilst not necessarily allowing imaginary stuff to escape mouth (unless cruel boys/thuggish girls deserve it, and actually, maybe not even then, unless you want to get a severe telling-off from the Head for being melodramatic) (in front of said bullies) (making it worse) (somebody stop me, I’m whittering).
           
                        Ability to construct sentences; to spell words correctly (or use of spellchecker) and some grasp of grammar.  Humour, intelligence, desire to connect with invisible audience and above all, *capacity to remain unruffled in the face of limitless rejections from agents (initially) (rejections will become ‘bad reviews’ if/when published).

Okay then, *thick skin will do.

Experience:   A smattering of the following would be helpful: 
  • Betrayal                        
  • First Love
  • Childbirth
  • Bullying
  • Divorce
  • Marriage
  • Death
  • Good times
  • Better times
  • Bad times
  • Worse times
  • Rejection  
  • Invisible friends
  •  
    Makes you wonder what sort of eejit would even THINK about applying for a job like this, doesn't it?!

10 comments:

Fionnuala said...

Oh Debs this did make me laugh even at 6:30am!

Helen Black said...

Oh I very often wonder why on earth I'm doing this...why...why...
HB x

Gillian McDade said...

Great post, although I've yet to be inspired by love and childbirth etc.... Then again I'm not your typical female!

Susie Nott-Bower said...

So scarily true.
Susiex

Derek said...

I tried rewriting the salary part then realised that my fiction skills still need honing!

Susan Woodring said...

Love this!! Reminds me of Lorrie Moore's story, "How to Be a Writer." Here are the opening lines: "First, try to be something, anything, else. A movie star/astronaut. A movie star
missionary. A movie star/kindergarten teacher. President of the World. Fail miserably. It is
best if you fail at an early age -- say, fourteen. Early, critical disillusionment is necessary so that
at fifteen you can write long haiku sequences about thwarted desire. It is a pond, a cherry
blossom, a wind brushing against sparrow wing leaving for mountain. Count the syllables.
Show it to your mom. She is touched and practical. She has a son in Vietnam and a husband who
may be having an affair. She believes in wearing brown because it hides spots. She'll look
briefly at your writing, then back up at you with a face blank as a donut. She'll say: "How about
emptying the dishwasher?" Look away. Shove the forks in the fork drawer. Accidentally break
one of the freebie gas station glasses. This is the required pain and suffering. This is only for
starters."

Caroline Green said...

Ah so very, very true. Love the Lorrie Moore thing too!

Lindsay said...

At least I'm suitably qualified on all counts...

Roderic Vincent said...

What about sex?

Debs Riccio said...

oops sorry, Rod, didn't see this - have you started without me? ;)