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Position:        Writer

Hours:          24 per day, 7 days per week, 52 weeks per year... you get the idea.  Yes, even whilst you sleep and shower and… other bathroom/ bedroom related activities.

Salary:            Let’s not get ahead of ourselves now.

Duties:           Mainly writing. (And predominately writing stuff that people are going to WANT to read – pay good money to read and love so much that they will tell their friends and their family and in return make money for the publishers of your book, your agent, and, somewhere along the line, maybe even you [see *salary above]).

                        Oh, you’ll also have to keep on the paid work.  The one that allows you to pick up scintillating tidbits of gossip from colleagues and turn them into workable plots and believable characters.  Because otherwise how will you pay for the fuel that keeps the keyboard and screen working? And eat. Hmm?

Qualities:       Over-active imagination from birth.  Tendency to read a lot, write a lot and make a lot of stuff up – whilst not necessarily allowing imaginary stuff to escape mouth (unless cruel boys/thuggish girls deserve it, and actually, maybe not even then, unless you want to get a severe telling-off from the Head for being melodramatic) (in front of said bullies) (making it worse) (somebody stop me, I’m whittering).

           

                        Ability to construct sentences; to spell words correctly (or use of spellchecker) and some grasp of grammar.  Humour, intelligence, desire to connect with invisible audience and above all, *capacity to remain unruffled in the face of limitless rejections from agents (initially) (rejections will become ‘bad reviews’ if/when published).

Okay then, *thick skin will do.

Experience:   A smattering of the following would be helpful: 

• Betrayal                        
• First Love
• Childbirth
• Bullying
• Divorce
• Marriage
• Death
• Good times
• Better times
• Bad times
• Worse times
• Rejection  
• Invisible friends
 

Makes you wonder what sort of eejit would even THINK about applying for a job like this, doesn't it?!