Ten Great Reasons for Remaining Unpublished

1) I can change genres without having to change my name.

2) I revel in comments such as “Good for you for following your dream”, instead of “I haven’t heard of your book”, “How much then do you earn?” or the classic, “Ooh, would you take a look at my work?”

3) Tax forms? Not for me – I’m an artist, not an accountant.

4) My self-esteem is not dependent on sales figures or reviews on Amazon. It relies solely on my own view of my work until the submission process and even then I can dismiss an agent who’s rejected me as a narrow-minded jerk.

5) I feel no compulsion to spend my Saturday mornings at the local bookshops, dragging my novel to the front of the shelves.

6) I’m not writing to a deadline, there’s no advance to hand back, so I can go on holiday, read Heat magazine or watch Celebrity Big Brother without the slightest twinge of guilt. My time is my own.

7) I can stuff myself with pizza and eat chocolate until I get spots. No one is going to take my photo for a cover or judge my appearance whilst I sign their book.

8) As a struggling writer I’m a far more romantic figure, untainted by commercialism, surviving on my muse and fresh air alone… although my spouse’s salary does help, as does my credit card.

9) I can still dream of a Hollywood deal, in fact I’ve already cast Daniel Craig in the leading role. I’ve practised my answers for Oprah and know exactly what I’ll wear to the television studio.

10) I don’t obsess with self-Googling my name – imagine the ego you’d need to do that? How annoying it would be to find another person of the same name more successful than yourself? Ahem, not that I’d know….

So there you have it! And perhaps my tongue is lodged firmly in my cheek. But come on, you published authors out there – I bet you’d forgotten just how good the wilderness years were!


Anonymous said...

Ha ha! This is all spot on! I can also add:

Not having the prospect of giving hour-long talks to people who probably know far more about the subject than I do... eek!

Administrator said...

Ooh, of course, it's all happening for you soon, Caroline! Exciting stuff! Eat chocolates whilst you can;)


Anonymous said...

Excellent points Sam - tho' I could do without that well-worn question: 'So, are you published?' Any suggestions for a good reply?

Caroline Green said...

Oh, brilliant post Sam! And really comforting and lovely too! Am off to revel in those reasons...

Administrator said...

Thanks, guys.

Well, Susie, we do 'publish' our blog posts, so you could just say yes;)


♥ Boomer ♥ said...

Great!! No, brilliant! :-)

Anonymous said...

Very funny, and spot on!

Gillian McDade said...

Really funny Sam - you've certainly hit the nail on the head! Great post.

Anonymous said...

Very funny, Sam! And how well you conjure the life of the sad, published-but-a-nobody novelist.

However, I see some consistency between (7) and (9). If you eat all that chocolate, how will you fit into the slinky dress for the TV interviews/gala premiere?

Administrator said...

Thanks, everyone!

Obviously, Rosy, because with my 6 figure deal i can afford liposuction;);)


Geraldine Ryan said...

Great post, Sam!

So true that the grass is always greener! There's nothing beats seeing your name in print for the first time. It's downhill all the way after that!

Anonymous said...

Also, you don't have to put up with some hideous and completely inappropriate cover designed by a pock-faced teenager who hasn't even read and probably couldn't undertand your masterpiece.

Administrator said...

Don't say that, Geri!

I hadn't thought of that, Anonymous!

CL Taylor said...

Considering I (somewhat rashing) promised my editor I'd do all my edits this weekend and return the finished MS to her first thing on Monday I am actually (quite) a bit jealous of:

6) I’m not writing to a deadline, there’s no advance to hand back, so I can go on holiday, read Heat magazine or watch Celebrity Big Brother without the slightest twinge of guilt. My time is my own.


Liz said...

Have been enjoying all the posts here, loads of food for thought mixed with great humour!

And yes, the wilderness years have a lot going for them, always in retrospect though...I am still wildernessing in ignorant bliss! : )


Administrator said...

Ooh, good luck, Calistro!

Cheers, Liz - yes, i am still wildernessing too - hopefully one day i'll be able to look back nostalgically on this time:)


slippingthroughtheworld said...

i knew that was you sam. brilliant post, very funny, and oh so true! x

Administrator said...

Thanks, Irene:)

Yes, us unpublished writers live the life of Riley, don't we?;)


Unknown said...

I can't identify with any of that, of course, especially the ego-googling. ;)

Anonymous said...

It reminds me of something once said about Elvis - he got what he wanted and lost what he had.

Wise words. But we still all want it!


Administrator said...

LOL Fiona, and Sarah!

Yes, they say be careful what you wish for. And we all know from other forums that being published can be just as stressful as being rejected...