Invasion of the killer YOURs

We always knew they had been there, but they fooled us into thinking we had them under control. Now and then they would infiltrate an email from a friend, or peek their hideous visages above the deluge of Farmville crap before sinking back into Facebook status obscurity.

But then, like the first zombies in a B-movie, the killer YOURs insidiously began to proliferate. Opening any innocent-looking webpage could put you at risk of exposure.

'If your looking for something fun to do this weekend...'

It was possible to click away and pretend you hadn't seen it. It was just a mistake. Yes, that was it – someone was typing too quickly. Live and let live! Everyone's an idiot, just on different occasions.

Now, however, it has gone TOO FAR. The killer YOURs are taking over the universe – and I, for one, do not welcome our new stupid overlords. Together with their quiet but powerful sidekick, the killer YOU'RE, they have plunged us into an epidemic from which no one will come out alive.

Everywhere you turn, they are lying in wait:

'Hey, your coming to Julies house on Saturday arent u?'

'Hope your feeling better.'

'This cat video will brighten you're day!!!!1'

'Your a retard.'

These abominations are so prevalent that I even think twice about using your or you're in a message, in case I have unwittingly been infected and find myself writing 'Hehe you don't know what your talking about you moron.'

I don't even consider myself a grammar nazi. I know anyone can make a typo, especially on fast-moving social media sites. I'm not outraged by split infinitives or sentences ending in prepositions, and I find 'could of' instead of 'could have' quite funny in a stupid sort of way. Verb crimes and made-up words are are also entertaining, and I'm increasingly fond of the comma splice.

BUT SERIOUSLY, INTERNET, THIS YOUR/YOU'RE MADNESS CANNOT GO ON. STOP IT! STOP IT NOW!

The sensible, regular readers of Strictly Writing can skip the next bit, but for any idiots who have stumbled upon this post, here is a simple guide.

YOU'RE is short for YOU ARE.
Example: 'You're about as much use as a fireman with a wooden leg.'

YOUR is possessive and refers to something that belongs to someone.
Example: 'Your brain is the size of an amoeba's toenail clipping.'

What the first one is doing, you see, is to replace the letter 'a' with an apostrophe. Who'd have thought anyone would be so clever as to come up with something so amazingly complicated, eh?

Oh, no, wait a minute, it's actually so simple a drunken zombie sea anemone could understand it. And now you do as well, don't you? Good. That's settled then. You can bugger off now.

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Photo credit: Stuart Caie